Gratitude Experiment

Happy couples tend to express gratitude for each other and gratitude for being together. How are you doing in this department? Do you feel lucky to be together? Focusing on the things that you are grateful for about your partner and about your relationship adds positive energy to your relationship. Make a conscious effort to spend more time talking about the good things in your relationship. Try to eliminate complaining about your problems. Complaining does not solve problems. Smile at each other, look each other in the eye and share with each other the reasons that you feel blessed to be together.

As an experiment try the following: Each morning when you first wake up, mentally list and picture in your mind at least five things that you are grateful about your partner and your relationship. Each night before you sleep, do the same. Invite that feeling of gratitude each morning and night for at least 30 days. Pay attention and notice how you feel when you are visualizing and making your gratitude list. Notice how you feel during the day. Notice how you interact with your partner.

The beauty of an experiment is that you cannot fail. The purpose of an experiment is to gather information. What do you learn from completing this experiment? Is this something worth continuing?

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.

Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Honing Relationship Skills

Skills To Make Good Relationships Better Watching someone, who has perfected a skill, perform is deeply satisfying—the flow, the ease, the beauty. Whether it is dance or singing or playing sports, getting really good at something is fulfilling. This is also true of relationship skills.

When we practice and hone our relationship skills to a level where they flow easily, our relationship can become a beautiful thing. But just like learning other skills, it takes some practice and time before things work smoothly. The first time we try out a new skill things may seem awkward and uncomfortable. For example learning to play the piano takes hours of practice before the hesitant note playing turns into flowing music. Be patient with yourself as you work on developing the following skills:

1. Self-responsibility – you and only you are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions. Learn to accept complete responsibility for yourself. 2. Ability to appreciate differences – learn to accept that your partner is different not wrong. 3. Listen to understand – practice being open minded and open hearted. 4. Hang on to self – learn to sooth your own hurts and disappointments to reduce over reactions. Practice taking a deep breath, counting to ten and finding other ways to calm yourself. 5. Empathy – learn to see things from your partner’s perspective, try imagining what it would feel like to be in their shoes. 6. Supporting – learn ways to support your partner that feel good to them—be there for your partner. 7. Maturity – choose to relate to each other as adults; avoid behaving as either a parent or a child when relating to your partner. 8. Negotiation – think win win, be willing to give up having to be right; choose happiness over winning. If you have to win that means you have to make your partner the loser. 9. Holding your tongue – don’t say the things you will wish you could take back later. Sometimes the old adage if you have nothing nice to say, keep quiet works wonders. 10. Fighting fair – learn to disagree without being disagreeable. Being respectful to each other at all times, good or bad is essential. 11. Stay in the present – practice dealing with what is rather than being stuck in resenting the past or worrying about the future.

Working to improve these relationship skills will help your relationship become a joy to watch as well as a joy to be in.

Dig The Well Before You Are Thirsty

A wise Chinese Proverb says, "Dig the well before you are thirsty." If you were to apply this concept to your relationship what might that mean? Perhaps the time to strengthen your relationship is when things are going good. Now is the time to develop positive relationship habits. Habits such as making time for one another; interacting in positive ways; and really listening to understand each other. Developing solid relationship habits when things are going well may carry you through times when you have struggles.

"Digging the well" before you are thirsty means that you won't die of thirst while you are digging. While it is true that it is never too late to salvage your relationship, if you want to salvage it, sometimes the "want to salvage" is long gone. (Remember that there are some relationships not worth salvaging, for example abusive relationships).

Unfortunately some relationships end up dying because couples postpone digging the well until they are dying of thirst. Their patience with the digging process is very limited due to the sad state of their relationship. They need and want their thirst eased now and are not prepared to wait in order to see results.

Here are some tools that can help you "dig the well" or strengthen your relationship: Spend time together Laugh together Say thank you to each other Do a kind deed for someone else together Accept rather than blame each other Do at least one nice thing each day for each other

When you consistently put positive energy into your relationship, your well will be deep and your relationship will be a satisfying place to be.

Beware of Indifference

As human beings we all need to feel important—to feel that we are somebody and that what we do matters. This is especially true in intimate relationships. It meets our needs at a basic level to know that our partner sees us and what we do as important. During a communication exercise in a Marriage Preparation Class that we teach, where couples practice talking through issue, one groom-to-be brought up the issue of feeling that the bride-to-be was not interested in something that he had spent a good deal of time making. He thought she felt it was silly and not worth her time. He wanted her to take time to look at and possibly appreciate things that he had put time and effort into doing.

Robert Gordon Menzies said, “More good things in life are lost by indifference than ever were lost by active hostility.” We may not be putting our partner down, but if we are indifferent to their successes and discount what is important to them, we are giving them the message that they do not matter to us.

Pay attention to the ways that you may be giving your partner the message that he or she is not important to you. Remember that something that is of great importance to your partner should be important to you, simply because it is important to your partner.

Give your partner the gift of your excitement for their accomplishments and successes, whatever they may be. Don't let your relationship dwindle because of indifference.

Build Traditions

The idea of developing traditions may sound stuffy and old fashioned, but they can be fun as well. It is up to you to chose traditions that you can enjoy together as a couple. Traditions are all about creating lasting and happy memories, so have fun with creating your own traditions. Choose from our list of ideas or create your own:

• Always say good-bye with a kiss.
• Take turns planning a date once a week.
• Take a bi-yearly holiday, just the two of you.
• Always greet each other with a hug.
• Create a word or sign that says, “I love you.”—make it something that is your secret.
• Have mealtime at the table. Talk and share.
• Do gardening or yard work together.
• Once a month have a clean the house morning, followed by a laze in bed and talk afternoon.
• Have a special rendezvous for lunch.
• Cook special meals together.

What you choose to do is up to you. What you choose to do is not nearly as important as the opportunity you create for strengthening your bonds of love. So create happy traditions, things that you do over and over again that say I love you and I love spending time with you.

Obstacles or Opportunities

“In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - “Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.”

In our relationships, when we take the challenge to face up to and work to remove obstacles that may be preventing closeness and harmony, we may be surprised to find hidden treasures awaiting our persistent and loving efforts. What is required is the humility and willingness to accept responsiblity to do something to improve things as the peasant did. We also need to avoid throwing blame as the wealthy merchants and couriers did. Blaming, although it may feel good momentarily, does nothing to solve problems and heal relationships. ”

Creating a Shared Vision - Getting Started

"There is a tremendous need for husbands and wives to sit down together and carefully plan, or in a sense mentally or spiritually create their own future."Sephen Covey

"One problem with distressed marriages is the strong belief that hings cannot get better . . .. I have observed that if one spouse starts to make constructive changes, this not only helps the relationship but genreally lead to positive changes in the other spouse." Aaron T. Beck

Some questions to ask when working on your mission statement:

What kind of couple do we want to be?

What kind of a home do we want to have?

How will we handle finances?

How will we handle disagreements?

How will we share the responsibilities in our home?

What traditions do we want in our home?

How will we relate to extended families and friends?

What are our expectations of ourselves as parents?

How will we relate to the children?

How will we treat each other, and ourselves?

Is there a special way to handle intimate details in our lives?

What are our couple boundaries?

Building Connection

Connection

Connecting with your partner lays the foundation for any intimacy, including sexual intimacy. Consistently building the connection between the two of may be the single most important thing that you can do to improve the quality of your relationship.

Ways to build connection include:

Eye contact

It may sound simplistic, but think about it, how often in the past week have you had any sustained eye contact with your partner? Making eye contact with your partner lets him/her know that s/he has your undivided attention. Remember that staring can seem confrontational. Practice making eye contact with your partner in a loving way. Flirt a little, enjoy.

Time Together

Spend time together. Plan for it. Make it a priority in your life. There should be times when everything else; including work, children, parents, or friends; takes second place to your relationship. Take time to have fun together and enjoy one anothers company.

Talk

Talk to each other. Everyday, find some way to talk, even if it has to be through email or texting. Reach out and make that connection. If you feel like you have nothing to say to each other, start small. Talk for a minute at a time and talk about something fun. Think of something interesting that has caught your attention and tell your partner about it. Tell him/her a joke that you have heard or describe something funny that happened to you. With a little bit of effort you can rekindle that desire to talk to each other all the time.

Listen, Listen, Listen

When your partner wants or especially when they need to talk to you, if at all possible, stop what you are doing, give him/her your attention and really listen to what they are saying. The gift of a listening ear will help your partner feel much more connected to you. And who knows it may even make him/her more apt to listen when you want to talk.

Sharing

What should you share with your partner? Everything. But remember there is no need to be hurtful when sharing with your partner. Share your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams, your fears. Share your time; share YOU.

Division of Responsibility

Division of Responsibility

A frequent bone of contention for couples is the perceived unfairness of the division of responsibility. The following is a simple self-monitoring form to help you keep track of the time you spend on household responsibilities and to estimate the amount of time your partner spends on these responsibilities. When you each do this and compare results you can end up with some interesting insights.

The goal is not to start a fight. The goal is to gather information, be open minded and look for ways to either make the division of responsibilities more fair, or to see it more accurately.

Self Monitoring Chart

Responsibility	Your Time Spent/Week	Estimate of Partner's Time/Week
Working outside the home
Commuting
Preparing Food
Doing Laundry
Cleaning House
Shopping for Food & Necessities
Budgeting & Paying Bills
Caring for Children
Helping Children with Homework
Taking Children to Activities
Household Repairs
Home Improvements
Repairing the Car
Financial/Legal Matters
Caring for Parents or In-Laws
Schooling
Organizing Vacations
Shopping for Gifts
Feel free to add your own

Handling Conflict

Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of even the best relationships.

Whether you call it fighting, disagreeing, or discussing, most relationship could benefit from less suppressed of feeling and more honest effort to resolve conflict. If you claim you have never had a conflict in your relationship, chances are one of you is not expressing their opinions or needs and will most likely end up resenting that position.

Conflict is not the problem; it is how you handle disagreements that can become the problem. When conflict escalates to a continued struggle or battle it becomes a problem. Disagreements are natural and healthy, and when handled properly they can strengthen rather than weaken your relationship. Your challenge is to face up to and resolve disagreements, rather than stuffing feelings and building walls. We like to encourage clients to build bridges rather than walls.

The following are principles that will allow you to resolve conflict in a fair and positive way:

Bite Your Tongue

Rather than allowing yourself to call your partner names, cut them with sarcasm, belittle them or in any way be disrespectful to them—bite your tongue. If harsh words pass your lips, apologize immediately. The words that you say in anger will be burned forever in your loved one’s mind; don’t say things that you will regret and can never erase.

Validate Your Partner’s Point of View

Validation does not mean agreement, but it is one of the fastest ways to take the heat out of a disagreement. When your partner feels heard and understood they don’t have to keep saying the same things over and over again. Say something like, “What I hear you saying is . . .. Have I understood you? Really try to understand what they are saying and keep the sarcasm out of your voice. Make the Problem the Problem

Work together to solve the problem, rather than attacking each other. Use "I" or "we" statements instead of "you" statements. Don’t take things too personally and stick to one problem at a time. Refuse to drag up the past to fling at your partner.

Don’t Compare

No one wants to hear how he/she should be more like their brother or sister. They also don’t want to hear how they are exactly like their mother or father. We don’t even want to be compared to our younger selves, such as your used to have hair or a great body.

Stick to the Topic

In order to resolve a conflict or issue it helps to deal with one issue at a time. Dumping all your unresolved conflicts on your partner at once, is like adding gas to a fire you are likely to create an explosion. If there are multiple issues pick one and deal with it.

Stay Calm and Use Time Outs if needed

Nobody's deaf, when you start to yell, you sham the door on any possibility of a compromise. If tempers are flaring and you find yourself losing control put the argument on "hold" or call a "time-out." It is important when deciding to take a time out to agree to meet back at a specific time when things have calmed down a little. During your time out try doing some physical activity like walking around the block or taking a shower to calm tempers.

Look for the Truth

Often in emotional fights, truth usually takes a back seat. Try not to have a “don’t confuse me with the facts” attitude, where you maintain your position no matter what. Try communicating the facts clearly. Don’t assume that you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. Always ask. Try to see things from their point of view, as if you were walking in their shoes and had their feelings and background. This doesn’t mean you agree, just that you want to understand.

Be Solution Oriented

Work together to solve the “problem.” Don’t drag in family or friends to gang up on the other person. Try out this phrase, "What can we do together to solve this problem? I am willing to do the following…" Then state what you are willing to do and then do it.

Forgive and accept each other

It is always a good idea to keep in mind that this is someone that you love and care about. Your relationship is more important that your differences. Acceptance and forgiveness are what strengthen rather than weaken your relationship. When you can accept and love each other despite your differences your bond grows stronger. When the argument is over, do something healing, such as hug or say, “ I love you."

Power of Thoughts

Power of Thoughts

It is also important to remember that within your relationship everything that you do or say will either help or harm your relationship.

You may think that you can hide your feelings from your partner. However, emotions have unique vibrations and whether we are conscious of it or not we can perceive emotions such as hostility, joy, anger or excitement. What we think and the emotions underlying our thoughts send out a vibration just as speaking does. When we have strong emotions attached to our thoughts our partner will get the message more clearly than if we say the same thing without emotion. We talk about being able to “cut the tension with a knife,” to explain what we feel when we walk into a room full of emotional tension.

If we think our partner is a jerk (or substitute any negative label), we will have two things working against us. First the self-fulfilling prophesy; if we think our partner is a jerk, we will treat them that way and they will act the way we expect them to act. Second the message we are sending to our partner—through our thoughts and feelings, whether we speak up or not, will reach our partner. It should not surprise us when our partner responds negatively. If we really want to build a lasting relationship we will have to replace negative thoughts with more loving and positive thoughts and feelings.

If we stop to consider that with every thought we think, we are either, sending our partner love or something less. If we are sending disdain or contempt to our partner, unless they are extremely mature and respond with unconditional love and acceptance, we will get back what we have tried to hide from them.

We poison our relationship when we begin entertaining negative thoughts about our partner, when we cultivate negative emotions of resentment, anger, or frustration. These negative emotions, no matter how hard we try to bury them, will impact our partner. They will get the message subconsciously—a kind of subliminal message.

Relationship Assessment

Relationship Assessment

Relationship Quality

Below is a short list of true/false statements to get you thinking about the quality of your relationship. Answer as honestly as possible. You cannot make improvements until you acknowledge what is. Finding the areas of your relationship that need improving gives you a place to begin to make positive changes.

1. I am satisfied with our sex life.

2. My partner really listens to me.

3. I trust my partner.

4. I do not feel picked on or put down.

5. I am hopeful about our future.

6. It is easy to share my feelings with my partner.

7. I cannnot imagine myself divorced.

8. I do not have to be right.

9. My partner treats me with dignity and respect.

10. My partner trusts me.

11. We often do fun things together.

12. I never just want to hurt my partner.

13. I would rather deal with a problem than lie about it.

14. I am free to be myself in our relationship.

15. I do not feel trapped.

16. My partner is open to suggestions.

17. I never feel judged or rejected by my partner.

17. My partner cares if I am upset or sad.

18. I listen to understand my partner.

19. I do not judge or reject my partner.

20. My partner shares his/her feelings with me. You probably have noticed that for these quesitons the more times you resonded true, the better shape your relationship is in. Don't get discouraged if you have a number of falses. This information helps you identify areas that need improving. You have the power to make positive changes in your relationship.

Top Ten Sex Do's

Top 10 Sex Do's

Here are a few tips to help you vasty improve the quality of your sex life:

1. At all times be respectful of your partner. Do not pressure and do not cave into pressure to participating in activities that leave either of you feeling used or dirty. What is sexually arousing to one person may be a real turn off to another. Your activities in the bedroom and elsewhere should never require either of you to go against your better judgment or values.

2. Make time for just the two of you. Don't allow work, parenthood or other stresses make you celebate. Let's face it quality time for each other and for lovemaking will not happen without some forethought and commitment. If your relationship is important to you make time for bonding.

3. Be an active Participant Don't simply lay there expecting your partner to turn you on. Making love to a corpse is not a turn on for most people. Get involved and enjoy touching as well as being touched. Take some responsibility for getting yourself excited.

4. Be your best self. Take care of yourself physically and otherwise. Yes your partner should accept you for who you are, but even an old house looks better when it is painted and cared for. Exercise, eat properly, and get enough sleep. A healthy you is a sexy you.

5. Be flexible. Here we are not necessarily talking funky positions, although that may be fun as well. Having too many "rules" such as sex is only allowed on Saturday in the bedroom, in the dark, can make your love life routine and boring. Too many prerequisites for sex can dampen the mood and kill spontaneity. Be willing to experiment and expand your sexual repertoire.

6. Be clean. Questionable or wafting body odor is a huge turn off. Be respectful of your partner, wash before sex. It is also a good idea to shave what needs shaving.

7. Compliment your partner and show appreciation. Criticism in bed is deadly. Nothing kills the mood faster than criticism about body or technique. Offer compliments not criticism. It is important to talk about what you want in bed, but do it in a positive way. Talk about what you want, not what you don't like.

8. Create atmosphere. Distractions and interruptions can ruin the mood. Keeping one eye on the television or answering your phone during sex is a definite no-no. Create some uninterrupted time to enjoy each other. Light some candles, play some music and focus on each other.

9. Flaunt your assets Stop obsessing about hiding your body. Allow your partner to love and accept you as you are. Problems with body image can hamper your love life. Get comfortable with your body, relax, show off and tease a little. Lovemaking should be fun. Allow yourself to enjoy.

10. Pay attention to each other. If you want to have great sex, this starts long before you get to the bedroom or whatever room you wish to make love in. Taking each other for granted or ignoring your relationship is going to have consequences in your love life. It is much more difficult especially for women to get passionate when they feel disconnected from their partner. Pay attention to each other and take time to strengthen your relationship.

Financial Stability Preparing for Hard Times

Financial Stability Preparing for Hard Times

Financial difficulties and hard times can put a lot of stress on your relationship. Decide now that you will work together to prepare and to handle any difficulties that may come your way. The following are three tips to get you started:

1. Be Prepared: Hoard a Little

You may have to do this over time, but try to get to the point where you have a two month supply of the necessities. Enough food that you could feed your family for two months without having to go to the store if need be. Don’t forget toilet paper. Every time you shop for food and necessities, take home a couple of extra things and start your own personal stock pile. The strain on your family will be far less when you are prepared.

2. Start Saving

Putting some money away, will help you to be prepared if the worst should happen and you find yourself unemployed for a period of time. If you haven’t already, start putting at least 10% of your income away for a rainy day. Chances are the rainy day could come sooner than you think. Build up your savings until you have at least enough to pay your bills and survive for several months. Having some cash on hand hidden in a safe place is also a good idea, especially in the event of bank failures. Again if you are prepared for the worst then you will be less stressed. This is not something to get frantic or fanatical about, just start saving what you can.

3. Spend Less Than You Earn

If you spend less than you earn you will have financial stability and the peace of mind that comes with financial stability.

If your income is reduced for some reason, reduce your spending accordingly. Downsize to a home that you can afford the payments on immediately. This may be less convenient, but the peace of mind will be worth it. And when your income increases it will be far easier to upgrade when your credit rating is still intact.

Consider the things that you regularly spend money on and be creative in finding ways to reduce the cost of each. There may be some that you can eliminate altogether and others that you can buy less of or find a less expensive way to do the same thing.

Avoid debt wherever possible. Credit card debt is particularly deadly. Avoid putting anything on a credit card that you do not have the money to pay. The outrageous interest rates add up quickly and you can end up drowning in an unpayable debt. If you already have credit card debt, pay it down as quickly as you can. If possible get a line of credit or some other lower interest loan to pay off your credit card, then destroy them if you cannot control them. Pay off all debts as quickly as you can. When hard times hit, it will be far easier if you are not carrying a heavy debt load.

Celebrating Your Anniversary

Celebrating your Anniversary

Your anniversary is a perfect time to build some treasured memories together. Take time to celebrate your relationship and your love. This is a way to confirm your commitment to each other, to take some time to appreciate the great times and acknowledge that you have survived the tough times.

Ideas for Celebrating

It is easy to fall into the routine of dinner out for your anniversary. But with a little thought and creativity, whether you have been married for one year or many, you can create a special time to celebrate your love and life together.

Build and Share Memories

Do something new and fun together to create a treasured memory. Find things that help you laugh and have fun together. Take some time to cuddle up and share memories of fun times together. Share your wedding video or if you were married pre video, look through your wedding photos.

Take a Romantic Getaway

romanticgetaway

It could be a night in a near by hotel, a weekend, or a full vacation. Where your go doesn’t matter as much as where you put your focus. This is a time to leave distractions behind and enjoy one another. Choosing a place where you can enjoy the beauties and seclusion of nature can help to create an intimate mood.

Romantic Date for Two

Invite your spouse out on a date. Make reservation for a romantic candlelight dinner and then go to a romantic movie or enjoy drinks in a secluded corner of your favorite bar. Take a moonlight stroll along a beach holding hands or go dancing in a romantic atmosphere. Whatever you choose, find magic in your moments together.

Second Honeymoon

Whether there was no time or money for a honeymoon, or your honeymoon was lack luster, or your honeymoon was fantastic a second honeymoon can be a great way to celebrate your anniversary. Plan to go some place you both would like to visit, anything from an exotic spa to a cabin in the woods. Make sure that you have time and space to focus on each other.

Renewing Vows

If your wedding didn’t turn out quite the way you wanted it to or you simply want to reaffirm your love for each other, you could consider renewing your vows. Invite those people you want to share this with. Make it as simple or elaborate as you wish.

Stay at Home

Send the children to Grandmas, lock the door, turn off the distractions (cell phones, TVs) and build a fire in the fireplace or light candles to create a romantic atmosphere. Relax, laugh, play, kiss and enjoy each other. Cuddle up and share fun memories and discuss plans for the future.

Plan a Party

You can choose whether you want a small family celebration or you want a big bash. You may want to get your bridal party from the wedding together for a reunion and celebration.

Go on a Picnic

Choose a secluded spot, preferably where you can enjoy nature, a quiet meadow, a lake or waterfall. Pack a picnic lunch and hike, bike, or drive to your chosen spot. Spend time enjoying nature, sharing, laughing and noshing. What is right for your anniversary is totally up to you. Remember the most important thing - enjoy each other’s company. A special date or just quiet time together is the ticket to a memorable anniversary celebration.

romanticpicnic

A Word about Gifts

The two of you should decide whether you wish to exchange gifts for your anniversary. The best gifts are not necessarily those that cost the most. The best gifts are those that say I know you, I love you, I care enough to make an effort.

Questions to answer:

What does your partner like to do, read, watch, eat, wear?

The more you know your partner the easier it is to find that perfect gift just for them. The thoughtful gift is treasured for a lifetime.

The Art of Being Heard

Have you ever found yourself saying, "You don't listen to a thing I say?" Have you ever felt like you were talking to the wall? There are some things that you can do that will improve your partner's willingness to "hear" you:

First, words may not break your bones, but they most certainly can break your heart. Carefully consider the kinds of words you use in your relationship. Have you ever said anything hurtful to your partner? Has your partner ever said anything to you that wounded you to the core?

Avoid Sarcasm

Rude, cutting remarks, sometimes disguised as humor, may pass our lips and land on our partner. Sitcom sarcasm should not be the model for your communication. The origin of the word sarcasm goes back to the Greek phrase, "to cut flesh." The dictionary describes sarcasm as "a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain." When we use sarcasm, we make it painful for our partner to listen to us.

Humor is a wonderful part of any great relationship. But the humor should never be at the expense of someone's feelings. It is only funny if both of you can laugh and enjoy it.

Be Honest and be Tactful

Sometimes people justify what they have said to their partner by saying, "I was just being honest." The truth is that when you say things to each other that hurt, it is often much less about being honest than it is about being spiteful or insensitive. If you love and care about each other, you will take into account each other's feelings before blurting out a "truth."

Honesty is an essential element in your relationship. Respect your partner enough to be honest with them, but you need to be intelligent and tactful as well as honest. Perhaps when put on the spot with a question like, "Does this make me look fat?" you could answer with something like, "The other outfit is much more flattering."

Use Sugar not Vinegar

Think about how easy it is to listen to critical, judgmental or unkind comments. The famous psychologist, B. F. Skinner demonstrated through experiments that it was easier to train animals by rewarding them for good behavior than by punishing them for bad behavior. Further studies have shown that the same applies to people.

At times partners may repeat the same negative messages so often that their partner learns to simply tune out that particular frequency. They in fact don't "hear it" anymore. We may think that if we point out our partner's mistakes frequently enough that we will motivate them to change. The reality is that complaining is one of the worst ways to motivate your partner to change. In fact what it really does is build resentment and encourage them to tune out.

It is interesting that the answer to the question, how to talk so your partner will listen, starts out with a reminder. You have two ears and one mouth for a good reason. If you want your partner to listen to you, you should listen respectfully and carefully to them. Make sure that you understand what they are saying, before you expect them to listen in that same manner to you.

When you talk to your partner do so respectfully and whenever possible positively. Hearing what we are doing well is so much easier to listen to. Positive comments make much better motivators than negative comments.

Listening: Two Ears/One Mouth

Listening Do's and Don'ts

DO:

Encourage

• Help your partner feel safe in sharing
• Draw your partner out

Be Attentive

• Your body language should say, "I am listening."
• Use short verbal responses to show interest

Clarify

• Ask questions if you are unsure of exactly what your partner means
• Tell them what you are hearing and ask if you are understanding correctly
• "It seems to me that you are feeling ________."
• "Are you saying ________ ?" "Have I understood you correctly?"

Validate

• Acknowledge your partner's feelings
• Validation does not mean that you have to agree, it just means seeing things from their perspective
• "That must have been frustrating."

DON'T:

Advise

• Keep the "why don't you" and "maybe you should" to yourself
• Pay attention to what they are saying rather than thinking of what you should be saying

Assume

• Don't assume you know how your partner is thinking or feeling
• "What's really bothering you is ____."
• "Your insecurities are showing."

Globalize

• Avoid using global terms such as always and never
• Stay specific to what is happening now

Judging

• Avoid, "You are ______," types of statements
• Avoid judging the process by saying things like, "Now we are getting somewhere."

Cheerleading

• Avoid, "Don't worry, everything will be all right." types of statements
• Avoid trying to pacify with statements like, "You did what anyone would do."