Choose Wisely

Life is all about choices. The state of our relationship is the result of the choices that we have made to this point. If we want to change our relationship we may need to learn to chose more wisely. Consider the following story:

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'"

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

Take a close look at your relationship. If you are not where you want to be right now, ask yourself, How have my choices brought me to this? Decide right now, this minute, to begin making choices that will take you to where you want to be. Decide to be alive in your relationship. Choose to react with love and acceptance. Choose happiness and peace. Choose to be the best you that you can be.

Improve Your Relationships By Loving Yourself

It may seem a bit contradictory to say that loving yourself will improve your marriage or relationships. Shouldn’t I be telling you instead to be more loving toward others. For most women caring for and loving others is something they consistently do. There is a prevailing tendency for women to give and give, secretly hoping that some day someone will take care of them. When that doesn’t happen can they become hurt, frustrated and burnt out. In reality, in order to truly love others, you need to love yourself. Unfortunately many women struggle with loving and accepting themselves. If you don’t particularly like yourself, how do you begin to turn that feeling into a healthy self-love?

Be Kind to Yourself

To begin, remember that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and deeds. So watch what you think about yourself. Start replacing put downs with positive and supportive thoughts. Talk to yourself the same way you would talk to a favorite girlfriend—respectfully, kindly and honestly.

Accept that you are wonderful just the way you are. Stop wishing that you were different than you are. Self-acceptance means recognizing that you are unique, special and wonderful just because you are.

If there are changes that you strongly feel you need to make, involving your behavior, not your being, then choose now to be as you want to be. Your actions will follow your firm decision and commitment. You can more easily change your behavior from a position of self-love than you can from a position of self-loathing.

Take time for You

Next, in all their taking care of, mothers and women need to begin with taking care of themselves. If you don’t take time to sharpen the saw, you will eventually grind to a halt. If you are one of those women who has been taking care of others at the expense of yourself, then you may need to do a self-intervention.

You may need to de-stress your life. If you are over committed and overwhelmed; find ways to delegate some responsibilities to others. Also give yourself permission to say no without feeling guilty. If taking on yet another project is going to increase your stress and build resentment, it is better to say, “I am choosing not to take on extra projects right now.” You don’t have to apologize for recognizing your limits.

Make sure you carve out some time for self care in your busy schedule. Make time for things like exercise, meditation and proper nutrition. Make sure that your needs are also included in the budget. Some women continually forgo what they need and want, in order that their children or spouse can have what they need or want. While the willingness to sacrifice for each other is part of a loving family, it is important that there be some balance as well.

Enjoy Life

When was the last time that you did something you enjoyed, just for fun? Make a list of activities that help you feel great, whether it stimulates you intellectually, entertains you or makes you laugh. Make sure that you do something from that list at least once a week. Preferably you should do something that gives you pleasure every day.

When you love and care for yourself you will find that you have a lot more to give to your relationships. Respecting yourself enough to take responsibility for your self-care will have the added bonus of increasing the respect you receive from others. When you love and respect yourself you will find yourself more able to feel the love and respect of others.

Make Time To Be A Couple

If you are in a relationship, it is important to make time together a priority. There should be times where you shut off the cell phones, television and other distractions and focus on each other. Make couple time a priority.

In a well-rounded relationship couple time comes in many different forms:

Working together

Sharing household chores can make them seem less burdensome. Doing the dishes together, shopping together, or cleaning a room, if done with a cheerful attitude can be fun. There can even be time for patting your honey on the backside or giving him a hug and letting him know that there is nothing sexier that a man helping.

Playing together

Find something or several somethings that are fun for both of you and make a habit of regularly taking time to have fun together.

Planning together

Whether it is planning for the day, week or your future, doing it together can help strengthen your relationship. Knowing what you want, need and expect from each other can help prevent miscommunication and frustration.

Socializing together

It is possible to socialize together. Remember that little things like touching hands, touching feet under the table, or making eye contact can help you feel connected even in a crowd.

Learning Together

Learning something new together can be another way to connect. Whether it is adventurous like learning to scuba dive, or simply intellectually stimulating, it can give you an opportunity to grow together.

Worshiping Together

If you are of the same faith, this can be attending church together. It can also be as simple as spending time quietly enjoying nature. This can recharge your batteries and help you see things in perspective.

Lovemaking

The ultimate togetherness is lovemaking. There may be times when life is so hectic and busy that you need to schedule time for lovemaking.

Strengthen your relationship by making time for each other.

Outgrow Problems

Carl Jung said, “Our most important problems cannot be solved; they must be outgrown.” In the sense that maturity makes problem solving much more successful, I agree that in order to solve many of our problems we have to grow up first.

When it comes to many of our important issues increased maturity would go a long way in either resolving issues or learning to live in harmony in spite of differences. We first have to be able to accept responsibility for our own thoughts, words and actions and become aware of how we are contributing to the problem. We then need to be able to listen to our partner and be willing to put ourselves in his/her shoes. We need to be able to hang on to ourselves in the midst of strong emotions, control our temper and sooth our own hurt feelings. All of this requires growing up rather than simply growing older.

Maturity says, lets figure this out together so that it works for both of us. Immaturity says, my way is the right way and you had better agree or else. Maturity says, we disagree and that is okay, I can respect your opinions and hope you can respect mine. Immaturity says, I’m right and you are wrong and you should see things the way I do.

Maturity asks how can we fix the problem? Immaturity asks who is to blame? Maturity says, I appreciate hearing how you are feeling and hearing what would work better for you, thanks for the feedback. Immaturity, says how dare you criticize me when you are just as bad.

When you consider the immature and mature approach to problem solving, it is obvious that the mature approach is much more likely to lead to solutions or resolution. Interestingly, the resolution of our most important problems begins as an inside job. As we grow and mature within ourselves we will find our problems easier to deal with. We will have outgrown our problems.

Healing The Hurt

Are you coming at your relationship from a place of healing or a place of hurting? Is peace and acceptance the umbrella under which your relationship flourishes? Or do anger and judgment undermine its success.

Sean Stephenson said, “The hurt hurt and the healed heal.” When we are hurting inside; we spread hurt to those around us. Ask yourself: Are you whole and happy within yourself? Do you accept and love yourself? This tends to be one of the biggest challenges in therapy—to help clients reach that point of inner peace and acceptance.

If you want healed relationships, first heal yourself. To move toward healing practice becoming your own best friend. What makes a best friend great? They are always there to support you; they tell you the truth, not just what you want to hear; they treat you with respect and encourage you; they see you, not through rose-colored glasses, but in a glass 1/2 full kind of way. They know your faults, but they love you anyway.

People who are wounded and hurting tend to lash out at others, to mistrust and to seek to even the score. Those who are healed understand that although self worth may be affected by what we do, how we look, what we have or many other factors; our REAL WORTH is infinite and can never be increased or decreased.

Give The Gift Of Love

At the beginning of a relationship, giving the gift of love is easy. You feel attracted to each other and are trying to impress each other and find many ways to show that you care. Then the inevitable happens, boredom sets in or conflict arises, and you realize that you don’t feel quite so loving any more. Perhaps you think you’re not in love any more or maybe never were. At those times when you feel less than loving, choosing to behave in a loving way makes it more likely that you will start to feel loving toward your partner. One key to mature, lasting relationships is the understanding that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions.

Many people ruin today by wasting their time wishing for a better past. There is wisdom in the idea that you must give up the dream of having a better past in order to have a better now. Constantly looking backward with regret will make your life miserable. You can “should” yourself or your partner to death, but that will never change the past.

The question is not what went wrong; the question is where do we go from here. Getting stuck arguing about what has already happened keeps you focused on problems. Letting go of blame, either for yourself or for your partner, can allow you to focus instead on finding a way to make things work for both of you. As your relationship matures, choosing to give the gift of love, especially at those times when you do not feel particularly loving, will help to keep the embers of your love glowing.

Anniversary Blues

Have you ever had an Anniversary, Birthday or Mother’s Day be a huge disappointment? My husband’s worst fopa in this regard was the year that he asked me to buy cards and presents for Secretary’s Day (which happens to fall shortly before my birthday) and then he forgot to even get a card for my birthday. That was years ago and it was the only time he “forgot” my birthday. Most of the pain resulting from important day disappointments comes from the meaning that we attach to what has or has not happened. In my case the meaning I attached to what happened was that my husband cared more about the secretaries than he did about me. In reality he had been bombarded with reminders of Secretary’s day from the secretaries and on the radio; there were no such reminders for my birthday. And although it should have been important to him make that day special for me, there was no mal intent on his part.

Things to consider: Have you set yourself up to be let down?

Instead of waiting and knowing that he will forget, choose to be proactive. Do what my daughter does and circle the day in red and write in a reminder. It may, in some distorted way, be satisfying to be proved right that he would forget, but what is the price of being right. Sometimes it is wiser to choose to be happy rather than right.

Do you have unrealistic expectations?

Are you expecting your partner to do something far beyond their inclination and ability? If for example you love to entertain and create fun parties, but your partner will not or cannot pull that off, then hoping that he is going to throw you that special big bash may only lead to disappointment. I know a woman who badly wanted a nice party for her 30th birthday, but she knew that her husband would not have time to plan it. Instead of being hurt and upset, she decided that she was going to have an absolutely wonderful birthday and planned the day herself with the help of her children. The result was that she had a great birthday because she was realistic about what she could expect.

Do you have secret or hidden expectations?

If there are certain things that you would really like, whether it is ideas for presents or activities or whatever, SHARE THEM with your partner. Some of you may think that if you have to ask then it doesn’t really count. Again the question: is it more important to hang on to a romantic notion that somehow he will figure it out or do you want to be happy? If you want to be surprised, give him several options to choose from; but the reality is that the more information that your partner has about your expectation, the more likely you are to get what you want.

Love MEANS Having To Say I'm Sorry

You have probably heard the saying, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I think the logic behind this saying is the idea that love is about acceptance. While it is very true that love is about accepting your partner for who and what they are; it is also true that when you love someone you must be willing to say, “I’m sorry.” When you live together day in and day out; you will inevitably hurt one another, hopefully not on purpose. But whether the hurt was intentional or not, a sincere apology helps to heal the wound.

If you have been hurt, take responsibility for clearly communicating your feelings to your partner. Don’t look for offense, score-keep and wait or insist that your partner apologize.

This is one of those areas where you need to row your own boat. You need to control what you can control—your own behavior. If you hurt your partner, accept responsibility for your words or your behavior and be big enough to genuinely apologize.

Saying the words, “I’m sorry,” can be hollow and useless if you do not also attempt to understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings. Why was what happened hurtful to them? What need is underneath their upset? Try to step into your partner’s shoes so that you begin to understand what is going on for them.

Try seeing your words and behavior through your partner eyes. What is your behavior saying to them? When you make an honest attempt to really see things from each other’s perspective wonderful things can begin to happen in your relationship.

When Your Partner Says Hurtful Things

In a perfect world partners would always be kind, considerate and thoughtful toward each other. The reality is that partners sometimes, due to stress, fatigue or down right meanness do not always treat each other with respect. What are you to do with the cheap shots from your partner or others?

There are three possible types of responses when someone verbally assaults you. 1. Withdraw 2. Counterattack 3. Stand your ground

The first two responses only make matters worse. When you withdraw, you make yourself and easy target and it is only a matter of time before resentment will start to build. On the other hand if you counter attack things can get really ugly quickly.

Standing your ground involves first checking to see if you have misinterpreted what they said. Try saying something like, “Ouch, it sounds to me like you are saying that I am stupid. Is that what you are trying to say?” Or, “When you said _____, what are you trying to say?”

When you respect yourself by standing your ground, others will respect you as well.

However the best way to neutralize verbal attacks is to fortify the target. When you feel good about who you are, you will be far less affected by other’s comments. I ask, clients who are very distraught because their partner has said hurtful things to them, to think about how they would feel if their partner called them a purple dinosaur. Most of them respond that that would not bother them at all. I ask them to think about why that would not bother them. They say things like, “Well, it’s ridiculous.” Or “That’s just silly.”

The point is that it does not hurt because it is not true. There is not one little bit of them that on any level believes that they are a purple dinosaur. But often people, on some level, some part of them, do believe that they are stupid, ugly, a bad mother, or horrible person. Those beliefs create ready targets for verbal attacks.

Feeling good about yourself removes the ammunition from your partner’s arsenal. You need to hang onto yourself and give yourself the validation that you need, rather than depending on your partner to make you feel good about yourself.

Open Your Eyes

The wisdom of Benjamin Franklin says, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards." When this idea is applied to noticing faults it works well. However too many people exist in their marriage in a semi trance state, not really aware of their partner’s thoughts and feeling. Sometimes they are not even aware of their own thoughts and feelings. My advice is to open your eyes in your relationship. I agree with Benjamin Franklin that after marriage you need to worry less about, “Are we compatible” and more about, “How can we make this work.” But my focus here is the importance of eye contact.

Think back to the last couple of interactions that you had with your partner. Were your eyes on your partner's eyes or were they on the newspaper, the television, the mirror, the road or whatever distraction it may be. In the memory do you see their face, their expression, their response? Or is memory more about the message you were giving them.

Focused positive attention is amazingly powerful in any relationship. Eye contact is what helps your partner feel heard, appreciated and cared about. Eye contact encourages your partner to talk and share their thoughts feelings and opinions. Loving eye contact can be one of the most intimate experiences you will share.

If your memories of talking with your partner do not include looking into their eyes, watching their facial expression, and an awareness of their feelings and opinions, then it is time to open your eyes in your relationship.

Are You Being Generous?

A client asked why it was that she could love her children even though they frustrated her at times, but she was having trouble feeling that she loved her husband? Most people love their children unconditionally. They loved them in spite of bad behavior, they loved them because they are their children. Is it possible to love a partner unconditionally—to accept and love them warts and all?

Generally we don’t expect that our children pay us back for the love and sacrifice that we offer them. We give and give to our children because we love them; perhaps we love them because we give and give. The key to loving “in spite of” may be to choose to behave lovingly even when we do not feel particularly loving.

Be generous in your relationship. Spend more time watching and thinking about what you are giving to your partner than worrying about what your partner is or is not giving back to you. Stop keeping score and give love freely. You may be surprised at how good it feels to give without strings attached.

Withholding love will cause you to feel less loving toward your partner. Being generous will increase those loving feelings.

Keeping Secrets: 6 Rules

We create intimacy by sharing who we are, what we think and believe, and how we feel with each other. Mutual sharing is a most satisfying experience. A question to consider is, does total honesty always benefit your relationship? Open and honest communication is vital to the success of relationships; brutal honesty on the other hand is not. When is it okay to not tell the whole truth? There are times when an omission or partial truth simply avoids upsetting the other person unnecessarily. For example the response to the classic question, “Does this dress make me look fat?” perhaps should not be, “Yes, it sure does.” A more tactful, but possibly less truthful answer might be, “The other dress is more flattering.”

Scott Peck suggested 6 rules for withholding or keeping a secret:

1. Never tell a lie.

2. Remember that withholding the truth is always potentially a lie and a significant moral decision is required. (Not something to be done lightly)

3. Never withhold the truth for personal gain (to gain power, to be accepted or liked, or to protect your values from challenge)

4. Always base the decision entirely upon the needs of the person you are withholding the truth from.

5. Genuine love for the other person is required to responsibly make this decision.

6. Ask yourself if sharing this information will benefit or hurt the other person. (Remember that we are more likely to underestimate their capacity to handle the truth)

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

As a counselor, I often hear the question, “How do I know if it is time to leave my relationship?” People are often confused and afraid of making a mistake, either by staying or by leaving. If you are feeling confused about whether you have any remaining desire to stay in your relationship, consider taking a step back from that decision for a while.

If you have even the slightest feeling that perhaps you should try to work things out, then you owe it to yourself to be sure before you end your relationship. Decide to hold on to yourself and deliberately move toward what you want your relationship to be like. Start acting as if you had a strong desire to strengthen and to be in your relationship. Don’t think of this as pretending. You are not pretending. You are acting as if things were already the way you want them to be. You may be amazed at how your feelings will begin to change and how your relationship grows from simply acting as if you had a strong desire to be in your marriage. Acting as if you are passionately in love may begin to kindle those passionate feelings.

Withholding love has the same result as refusing to water your plants. First they will wilt and eventually they will die. Relationships rarely survive a cold war of withholding and punishing.

As you change your behavior, you may find that you have greater clarity about your relationship. Be aware that “acting as if” will not work if at the same time you are busy keeping score or if you have the attitude that you are entitled to something in return. When you are generous, it is likely that your partner will be generous in return.

He Says, She Says

Men naturally tend to lean more toward problem-solving types of conversations and women tend to lean more toward feeling-sharing conversations. This can lead to frustration on both parts. Women may say things like, “He never listens to me. He just tells me what I should do.” While men are saying, “I don’t understand I was just trying to help.” When we see our differences as problems rather than just what is, we can set ourselves up for constant disappointment. The fact is that men and women tend to approach conversations differently. Recognizing and accepting this fact can allow us to side step the usual frustration by clearly communicating our needs up front. Let your partner know what direction you want the conversation to take early on. If you just need an opportunity to talk things through and process how you are feeling, you could say something like, “I just need you to listen to me right now.” That lets your partner know that you are looking for reflective listening. You need them to listen carefully, validate your feelings and empathize with your experience.

If you are looking for advice or help solving a problem, you might say something like, “I could use your help.” Or “What do you think I could do about . . .” This lets your partner know that you are looking for their thoughts, advice and problem solving expertise. It is still important to listen, but the door is now open to suggesting possible solutions.

Being clear about whether you are looking for a listening ear or help solving a problem can reduce the frustration of receiving unsolicited advice. It is not the men cannot listen empathetically or that women cannot problem solve, it is just that their natural tendencies are different.

We need to accept that different is not bad. We can celebrate and enjoy the differences.

Watch Your Focus

Take the Challenge: Step one: Write down the things your partner does that drive you crazy or that you wish they would do differently.

Step two: Write down the things that your partner does that you love or that you appreciate.

Step three: Promise yourself that you will not mention any of the things on the first list to your partner for the next week. Bite your tongue if necessary. For one week choose to ignore the things that bug you about your partner.

Step four: Make an effort to notice the things on the second list. Let your partner know that you have noticed. You can say thank you and you can give them sincere compliments. Be sure to notice several things each day for the next week.

At times it may seem as though we are at the mercy of our thoughts and feelings. It is true that we can feel a sudden rush of feelings and can at times feel overwhelmed.

It is also true that we can have a great deal of control over our feeling. That control begins with watching what we choose to focus our attention on. When we choose to focus our attention on our partner flaws and faults, that is what we will see.

Take the challenge and focus your attention on your partner strengths and positive qualities for one whole week. You may find the results so satisfying that you choose to continue for another week and then another.

Fighting Fair

It may seem like a contradiction to say that we should fight fair, but fighting dirty is a definite relationship killer. Unfortunately far too many couples resort to dirty tactics when their tempers flare. Although it may momentarily feel satisfying to win that battle, just remember that each time you destroy your partner in a fight you put your relationship at greater risk of failing. Here are some suggestions that can help you to solve disagreements in a positive way:

Be Respectful This is true at all times. Name calling, sarcasm or nasty teasing are never a good idea. If you slip and say something disrespectful apologize right away.

Validate Each Other's Thoughts and Feelings Saying things like, "It seems that you are really frustrated and I hear that you would like me to . . . " helps the other person to feel heard and understood. This can this means that one person talks at a time, rather than trying to outshout each other.

Make The Problem The Problem Visualize that it is the two of you against the problem. Try not to make each other the problem.

Tackle One Problem At A Time Don't get side tracked into bringing up all the past issues you can think of. Deal with the problem at hand.

Use "Time Outs" Wisely If you find that either partner's temper is getting hot, take a time out. If your partner requests a time out, honor that request. Use the time out to calm yourself down. Make sure that after the time out is over you finish dealing with the problem.

Listen to Understand This is probably one of the most important things that you can do to reduce conflict. Everyone wants to feel hear and understood. Giving that gift to your partner may make it easier for him/her to listen to you.

Deal With Needs Rather Than Positions Rather than taking a stand and sticking to it, try to identify the needs underneath your position. Try to find a way for both of you to get what you need, perhaps not exactly what you think you each want, but a way that works for both.

Communicate Clearly Don't play games, or beat around the bush. You cannot solve a problem if you cannot understand what the problem is.

Forgive and Accept Each Other Forgiveness and acceptance are incredibly healing. Be kind to each other.

Lasting Relationship Skills

A lasting relationship is not a matter of luck or even a matter of choosing the "right one." Even the most promising relationships will struggle if the following relationship skills are ignored. Communication Skills

Skilled communication involves first listening to understand and second speaking to be understood. That means listening with both ears. Try to see things from your partners perspective. Communication skills also involve understanding that your partner cannot read your mind, nor can you read his/hers. Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. Be clear, open, honest, tactful, and respectful.

Loving Skills

It takes skill to learn to show love to your partner in a way that feels loving to him/her. Don't do a Homer Simpson--Homer gives Marge a bowling ball, because he would love to get a bowling ball. Mature love also means behaving lovingly even when you don't feel particularly loving.

Problem Solving Skills

All relationships encounter problems sooner or later. Problems that are ignored or swept under the rug come back to haunt your relationship. Successful problem solving skills will greatly benefit your relationship

Intimacy Skills

Learning how to be intimate in a way that meets both of your conditions for arousal and satisfaction takes practice and skill. Selflessness and an openness to learn can help in developing intimacy skills.

Compromise Skills

Compromise is not a dirty word. Learning to compromise is an important relationship skill. This means finding creative ways for both of your needs to be met, even when you cannot agree on how to solve a problem.

Fair Fighting Skills

Fighting fair is essential in lasting relationships. Dirty fighting leaves emotional scars that may never heal. Since all couples fight, whether you call it disagreement or discussion, it is still important to learn how to do it fairly.

Cooperation Skills

Finding ways to manage a household that involve a fair and equitable sharing of workload is vital. As is finding ways to share parenting responsibilities.

These relationship skills are all interconnected. For example, fighting and lack of cooperation will affect your level of intimacy and a lack of intimacy will increase the friction in your relationship. Improving these relationship skills will improve your chances of creating a lasting relationship.

Effective Problem Solving

Many couples find themselves having the same argument over and over, without ever resolving the issue. Frustrations and resentment builds. To break this pattern, it can be helpful to have a framework to follow. Here are step-by-step suggestions for for more effective problem solving:

1. Get on the same side of the table. Instead of thinking of each other as the problem, think of it as the two of you against the problem. You are a team, not opponents.

2. Choose a good time. Right before bed or when you have to leave for work is not a good time to tackle a problem. When either of you is tired, cranky or preoccupied with something else is also not optimal. Try problem solving when you are calm and have enough time to complete the process.

3. Stick to the problem. It works best to solve one problem at a time. Heaping a bunch of problems on top of the issue at hand is just confusing and frustrating. Generally nothing gets resolved when you try to deal with multiple problems at once.

4. Clarify the problem. Define the problem as clearly as you can from each of your perspectives. Take turns explaining how you see and feel about the problem. Talk when it is your turn. Otherwise listen to understand your partner's perspective.

5. Brainstorm for possible solutions. When brainstorming there is no judgment. All ideas are respected and accepted. Try to come up with several different options.

6. Evaluate possible solutions. Here is where you sort through the ideas. Disregard any solutions that you both agree are completely unrealistic. If one of you likes a solution and the other does not, hang on to it. With each of the remaining solutions consider the following: a) advantages from his perspective b) advantages from her perspective c) disadvantages from his perspective d) disadvantages from her perspective Then each of you rate the desirability of each solution on a scale from 1 - 10, with 1 being undesirable and 10 being highly desirable.

7. Find a Win Win Solution. You can choose from among your solutions. You can get creative and combine or alter solutions until you find sometime that is acceptable to both. If you cannot find an alternative that satisfies both, don't give up. Consider that compromise is not a dirty word. Sometimes an attitude of, "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" can help you negotiate something workable.

8. Test Your Solution.Put your plan into action for a set period of time, a week or a month. After trying it out, get back together and evaluate how it worked. If it was successful, pat yourselves on the back and continue. If it was partially successful, you may want to tweak it a bit. If it has not worked, consider that you have learned some valuable information and start over at step one.

Align Your Expectations With Reality

Expecting to have everything that you want in your marriage will always leave you frustrated. When two people live together it is not possible for one partner to always have everything they want unless the other person ceases to matter and if this happens, the relationship is doomed. Unrealistic expectation put a great deal of stress on your relationship. They set an impossible standard that your partner constantly fails to meet. Expecting that the honeymoon will last forever or that your partner will meet all of your needs are unrealistic. Expecting that your marriage will always be romantic or will make you happy is equally unrealistic.

Happiness is a choice that we make and we are responsible for meeting our own needs. Yes it is wonderful to have a partner to share life with, but being married does not improve our self-esteem or fix our insecurities about our self. Ironically it is our personal insecurities that tend to ruin relationships. What expectation do you have about the following: 1. Loyalty 2. Length of relationship 3. Fidelity 4. Dealing with friends and family 5. What feels loving to you 6. How do you show your love to your partner 7. Respect 8. Sexual 9. Handling problems 10. Children 11. Romance 12. Career and finance 13. Emotional support 14. Roles 15. How to make decisions 16. Fighting 17. Household chores 18. Spending time together and time alone 19. Secrets 20. Pet peeves

Try writing out your expectations for each of the above and sharing them with each other. After talking with your partner reconsider the reasonableness of your expectations.

Carefully examine your expectations of marriage and disregard those that are unrealistic or that are hurting your relationship. Bringing your expectations more in line with reality will help you to feel better about your relationship. Start looking at the glass as half full, start noticing and appreciating the things that are good about your relationship. If you cannot find anything good about your relationship then perhaps you are not in a healthy relationship with your self or your partner.

Do You Know What You Need?

In any relationship, clearly communicating our expectations, needs and wants, makes it much more likely that those will be met. This means that we need to be clear about what we expect, want and need.What stops people from asking for what they need in their relationships? It could be pride, fear, or a lack of awareness.

If what keeps you from letting our partner know what you want and need is that you do not know yourself what it is that you want or need, it is time to get to know your self. Awareness begins with paying attention to your feelings, paying attention to what you enjoy, what tastes good, smells good and feels good to you. You can begin with food and entertainment preferences and move on to what is it that helps you feel loved, accepted and respected in your relationship.

If it is fear that keeps you from speaking up, you might do well to consider that although asking does mean there is a possibility of hearing, “no;” not asking almost guarantees that you will not get what you need or at least not consistently. If fear is getting in your way then it is time to take a deep breath, face your fear and speak up.

Sometimes it is pride that keeps you from sharing your wants and needs with your partner. You think, “I shouldn’t have to tell him/her, s/he should already know,” or you may choose to withdraw and stop communicating when you feel hurt or upset. Stubbornness can prevent you from getting your needs met. What you choose to do may be moving you farther and farther from what it is that you need, but you may refuse to see it. Consider for example a husband who feels his wife is too busy with school, work or the children to spend enough time with him. He feels hurt and withdraws. Later when his wife says lets go do something, he chooses to reject her offer because he felt rejected and hurt. What he needs is quality time with his wife, but his actions are moving him farther from getting those needs met.

It is important to stop and think about if our actions are getting us closer to what we need and want or farther away. Gratitude and open-mindedness are the antidotes for pride. Stay open to possibilities and look for solutions rather than problems.