At the beginning of a relationship, giving the gift of love is easy. You feel attracted to each other and are trying to impress each other and find many ways to show that you care. Then the inevitable happens, boredom sets in or conflict arises, and you realize that you don’t feel quite so loving any more. Perhaps you think you’re not in love any more or maybe never were. At those times when you feel less than loving, choosing to behave in a loving way makes it more likely that you will start to feel loving toward your partner. One key to mature, lasting relationships is the understanding that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions.

Many people ruin today by wasting their time wishing for a better past. There is wisdom in the idea that you must give up the dream of having a better past in order to have a better now. Constantly looking backward with regret will make your life miserable. You can “should” yourself or your partner to death, but that will never change the past.

The question is not what went wrong; the question is where do we go from here. Getting stuck arguing about what has already happened keeps you focused on problems. Letting go of blame, either for yourself or for your partner, can allow you to focus instead on finding a way to make things work for both of you. As your relationship matures, choosing to give the gift of love, especially at those times when you do not feel particularly loving, will help to keep the embers of your love glowing.