Our beliefs about relationships have a huge impact on the success of our relationships. False beliefs can cause much frustration and disappointment. We need to assess our beliefs and decide if they are constructive or destructive. Sometimes beliefs that seem to be reasonable and even positive can be detrimental because they are false. False beliefs will cause problems in our relationships. If our beliefs are false or destructive we need to change them to more realistic beliefs. Some examples of some potential harmful beliefs and the corresponding realities are given below:
| False Belief | Reality |
|---|---|
| If I love him/her I should give up my interests or friends for him/her | If you lose who you are s/he will lose interest |
| I should not have to ask what I want, if s/he loved me s/he would know | You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you do not tell him/her what you want |
| The more I give the more s/he will love me | If you make yourself a doormat, do not be surprised if you are treated like a doormat |
| S/he needs to change so that I can be happy | You cannot change your partner, but you can choose to be happy |
| Pointing out his/her mistakes will help him/her want to change | Criticism damages relationships and builds resentment in both of you |
| I know what is best, my way is the right way | There are many acceptable options |
| If I am hurt, angry or disappointed I should punish my partner, this will make him/her change | Punishment creates resentment |
| I need to correct my partner and tell him/her how to do things properly | Constant correcting gives the message s/he is not good enough and causes resentment |
| Romance and sex decline over time, it is inevitable | Romance and sex do not naturally die out, but failing to stoke the fire can leave things cold |
| Ignoring problems avoids conflict and means I do not have to deal with them | Ignoring problems eventually create more conflict and poisons the relationship |
| I stuff my anger away so that I will not hurt him/her | Stuffing anger rather than talking about what is bothering you, will cause you to explode inappropriately |