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Increasing Passion

In order to have a passionate relationship in the bedroom, it is important to establish adult – adult relating patterns. When people start wagging their fingers at their partners, telling their partners how to think, feel or behave they have moved into a parent – child style of relating. The parent – child style of relating is not sexy and tends to dampen rather than excite libido.

True passion involves vulnerability – completely surrendering to each other and to the moment. It is difficult for a couple to feel open and vulnerable when they have been bickering. If a husband or wife feels like they have to pick up after and take care of their partner like one of the children, how likely are they to be breathlessly waiting to roll into bed with their partner? The same question applies, if a partner feels that they are being treated like a child?

Increasing passion can be a challenge in committed relationships. Carefully and honestly examine your behavior in your relationship. Are there times when you behave more like a parent or a child than a mature adult?

  • Do you lecture or scold your partner?
  • Do you whine and complain to or about your partner?
  • Do you demand that you get your way, now?
  • Do you take responsibility for things that should be your partner’s responsibility?
  • Do you have temper tantrums or volatile reactions to criticism?

The more couples approach their relationships as two mature adults, the more they will be willing and able to be vulnerable with each other. Emotional maturity allows partners to approach the bedroom in ways that enhance, rather than erode their love life. Emotionally mature couples are more likely to feel aroused by their partner and have a satisfying love life.

When partners are emotionally mature they are more able to be fully present during lovemaking. They are more open to being creative, adventurous and respectfully enjoying one another. They are willing to share what they enjoy and happy to learn about their partner’s preferences, wants and desires.

Mature partners can easily accept and respect when their partner chooses to say “no” or is uninterested in sex. They do not assume that this means there is something wrong with them or the relationship or that their partner does not love them. To them, sex is something to be enjoyed by choice not out of duty or obligation. They recognize that obligatory sex is one sure way to dampen libido.

Emotionally mature couples are secure in themselves. They are able to be vulnerable and to easily express and receive love. They are considerate and empathetic and are willing to make sacrifices for each other.

Increased awareness of those times that you may slip into the parent – child, rather than adult – adult relating style, will increase your ability to make a different choice. As you increase the maturity of your interactions with each other, you may also notice increased heat in the bedroom.

Planned Intimacy

Failing to plan for intimacy too often means it is left till the end of a busy day where it can become, for some, just one more thing they have to do so they can get to sleep. Planned intimacy means that you and your partner are going to schedule in time for intimacy in your lives. This is not to be confused with scheduling sex. It does however create the opportunity and helps create the atmosphere that may greatly increase your chances of making love.


Clients will comment that planned intimacy does not sound romantic or spontaneous. I am not sure where the idea that intimacy and sex must be spontaneous comes from, perhaps from television, movies or romantic novels. But the reality is that without some forethought the frequency of intimacy and as a result sex are likely to decline as your relationship matures. Continuing to court and to plan for intimate times together after marriage just means that you continue feeding the fire of your passion rather than letting it fade and turn cold.

In order for planned intimacy to work, sex cannot be the goal or even on the agenda. The goal of planned intimacy is to connect as a couple—to see and look at each other, to listen to each other, to cuddle and be close, and to spend time together. You can reminisce, talk about hopes and dreams, go for a walk, hold hands, or play a fun game. What you do does not matter as much as the attitude with which you do it. A minimum of once a week for a least an hour and daily time together for at least 15 minutes are good targets to aim for when scheduling your planned intimacy.

There are only two rules for planned intimacy: 1. Just the two of you. 2. Most important, turn off the distractions and tune into one another.

At times your planned intimacy time may result in love-making. This is much more likely to happen if neither of you is pushing for it to happen. If you feel a great deal of resistance to the idea of planned intimacy, it is likely that the two of you have already grown apart and you are possibly withholding affection and avoiding situations that could lead to sex. Knowing that planned intimacy does not obligate you to have sex, may make it possible for you to experiment with planned intimacy to discover if it will help the two of you rebuild your connection.

Libido Killers


There are many factors that can distract, discourage or dampen libido. These are the libido killers. Libido killers affect both men and women. The myth that men always want sex and women never do is simply a myth. In my counselling practice I have seen nearly as many men with low libidos as women.

The following are some factor that tend to reduce libido:

Body Image This issue is not gender specific, both men and women can struggle with body image issues. When you are unhappy or disgusted with your body, the tendency is to hide, to limit and to feel at the very least uncomfortable getting naked and intimate. The shame interferes and can make it almost impossible to relax and enjoy lovemaking.

Past Abuse Sexual molestation or abuse can create associations and feelings that intrude on intimate moments. It can be difficult to leave the past in the past. There may be a pull back reaction, where sex feels like something that should be avoided rather than enjoyed.

Emotional Struggles Depression can leave people uninterested in life, let alone intimate relations. Whether it is cause or affect depression and lowered libido often go hand in hand. As well, antidepressants can have unwanted sexual side effects.

Relationship Problems A lack of intimacy and closeness in the relationship can lead to withdrawal and a loss of interest in lovemaking. Unresolved conflicts can contribute to a build up of resentment, which has the effect of throwing a wet blanket on the flickering candle of desire.

Parenting Busy lives, lack of time alone or privacy and shifting priorities can create roadblocks to sexual expression. Focusing too much attention on the children and no attention on strengthening the couple relationship can seriously decrease libido.

Grief or Loss Grief can bring up anger and sadness, that for periods of time may consume your attention, leaving little room for interest in lovemaking. For some it can feel wrong to enjoy life when their loved one is gone.

Lack of Confidence A lack of confidence in yourself or in your sexual abilities may cause you to talk yourself out of being sexual before you even begin. A sense of confidence makes it easier to feel sensual and to act on those feelings.

Stress When stress levels escalate, it can be difficult to shut off the worries long enough to enjoy being intimate with your partner. Sex can start to feel like just one more thing on the to-do list.

Sleep Deprivation When sex is left to the end of a busy day at the end of a busy week, there can be little motivation and no energy left to feel interested in lovemaking. People can simply be too tired to care.